As a married couple with children, my husband and I know how important it is for us to be connected.  Date nights are a priority for us.  It was harder by far to find time together when our children were younger, but we still had date nights.  Unfortunately, the distractions in the house were so numerous that in order for me to relax, we needed to go out.  And since money was tight, we live far from extended family, and babysitting is expensive, our date nights were only once every month or two if we could swing it.

Now our youngest is five (when did that happen?) and we try to have a weekly date night in.  We still don’t like spending the money on babysitting if we can help it, but older kids can make themselves scarce, and we can order yummy take out and make a wonderful, connecting evening in our own home for half the cost.

5 Tips for a successful date night in:

1. Plan ahead: some weeks we just look forward to the time chatting and catching up on what life has thrown at us.  Sometimes we plan a board game to play, a relaxing soak in the jacuzzi, or something else fun.  We rarely watch a movie.  Sitting on the couch next to each other doesn’t really count as connecting, now does it?
2. Prepare the kids: honestly it took a while to get them to understand that our date nights in were not to be interrupted.  Little people standing at the top of the stairs asking for a drink of water or another bedtime song kind of kills the mood.  But after consistent attempts– really not letting them interrupt, even if it meant locking the door on the 3 year old until we went to bed {yup, we’re mean that way…}– eventually they understood.  And now they go to bed without grumbling when they know that it’s “date night”.
3. Time it right: date nights in automatically cut the evening short since the date starts later than the times we get a sitter.  So we don’t plan a date night when we have to get up early the next morning, or when we’re exhausted from an especially long day. The kids go to bed early, and we get our take out by 8:15 or so.
4. Set the mood: soft lighting, soft jazz, and a soft glow from the fireplace (on cold nights) make for a perfect evening.  We clean up the living room, set the coffee table, pour some wine and it’s almost like a fine restaurant.
5. Splurge on the food: since we’re not spending extra money on babysitting or tip, we’ll spend a bit more on take out.  Our favorites are sushi, Indian, or gourmet Italian, though we’ve also had times when we have cooked something special.

Whatever parts of our lives we feed with loving intention and action will grow to be beautiful.  I want my marriage to be one of those things.

Do you have a regular date night?  In or out?

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I think that might have been the moment I knew he wasn’t for me.

We were driving, though I don’t remember where to or from, and I was at the wheel of my little wild-strawberry-metallic Ford Escort.  Sitting beside me was a handsome blue-eyed man, my new-ish college boyfriend, still an enigma to me, a few years older and seemingly so much wiser.  He had graduated, had a real job, and it all felt unbelievable to this girl who never dated very much to begin with- that he would want to be with me.  My heart flipped and flopped from the excitement of the idea that this relationship could mean something.

On the radio, Simon and Garfunkel, or maybe America or Crosby, Stills and Nash (I can’t really remember), sang in their 70′s acoustic way: tight chords, words that spoke to what was blooming in me as a young adult, simple guitar under it all.  And, as I always did, I took up singing at the top of my lungs with the harmony part.

“Why do you always sing the harmony?” he asked, with a hint of annoyance.

I laughed, and took it as a challenge to sing louder.

But the moment stuck.  And soon after, my boyfriend and I didn’t anymore.

Could I ever really be with someone who wanted me to always be the melody?  Isn’t the joy of relationship, and eventually of marriage, the blend of the inherently different but undeniably complementary?  I didn’t want a boyfriend who wanted me to sing melody.  I found it boring, and a bit offensive then, but now I see how it’s much more than that.  It’s contrary to our design.

When we both, husband and wife, try to carry the melody, the music is shallow and we are more likely to find dissonance.  When one chooses instead to join with a harmony part, the music becomes a partnership, and creates depth, romances the ear.  I can’t begin to describe, as a musician, what it feels like to join an existing melody part with my own voice, singing notes that aren’t the same, but fit as snug pieces of a puzzle, creating a richer aural picture.  And in my marriage, I thrill to add to my husband’s voice, finding ways to make him better, and myself better, by choosing something other than unison.

The music we make together is so much more beautiful when I do.

Looking back I wish I would have chosen to answer that boyfriend differently.  I wish I would have had the wisdom of two more decades of life lived and lessons learned.

I would have said, “Yes.  I’m a harmony girl.  And I always will be.”

How do you complement your husband?  Looking at your marriage as music, what part do you usually like to play?

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This is not something I do very often, this writing with abandon for five guided minutes.  I usually work off of my own inspiration only and a prompt is not an easy thing for me.  But today, I felt bold!  I need the practice, and what better way to get it than among community.

I know he does it for us.

Sometimes he comes home so late that I’m already asleep, no matter how hard I tried to stay up, and he sneaks around the bedroom as if he’s not welcome there, doesn’t belong there.  I wish my tired eyes could have made it.

If I was able, I would have so many thank yous to say, so many kisses to give, so many sighs to relieve him of, and knots to rub out of his back.  He is our hero on white horse, putting out fires all day so he can finish with the warm kindling of home.  He bears the weight of a million details and burdens, and he does it gladly, without complaining.

His is the tiredness of work well done, of love well-expressed.

And of all things, he would say that I have the harder job. That being home caring for children, running the home, teaching and learning, cooking and sometimes cleaning, is the truly important job.

But I see. I see all the love that makes his work truly something important and life-giving.

STOP

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